DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

     The little grandmother who didn't get a computer until the age of 60!  The one who found out there was such a thing as a "BLOG!"  I secretly followed so many gifted writers & only God knew that I wanted so badly to write a blog myself!

      This very year, 2013, a little lady over in Fremont, California, Barbie Hernandez Swihart +My Freshly Brewed Life  saw me & felt led of the Lord to help me get started! 

       Remember me?  I was the one who was going to IMPROVE in all the areas of my life.  Then, March7, I realized I had messed up, not seeking God first with my plans.  By April 28th, I got my "want to" back! 

        Throughout all of these three posts and since, I admit, I have had a PARALYZING FEAR!  I can quote to you, "There is (no fear) in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18.
      The question is, a fear of what?  Writing?  Writing comes naturally for me. Wait until I can start taking pictures and finally learn how to post them on my blog!  I was given a new phone today!  Me, with a SmartPhone?  (a shout out to my sweet "Fluttering Sharon!"
          I don't even KNOW what I am afraid of!  It's just a tactic of the enemy! I do know that!  John 10:10  "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly."

               I read a beautiful quote from Denise J. Hughes, blog writer at Allume.com.  "Writers overcome their fears when they do one thing:  BEGIN."

         One thing I would love to show you, is a picture of my many binders!  I have one for (every cause) that comes to my mind.  My newest one is my "WRITING BINDER."  This has posts I have collected from many bloggers who have merely spoken into my life with their words! 
              Today is just my day to BEGIN AGAIN!  This is a familiar word to me.  God and I use it quite too many times in my journal.
BEGIN:  To do the first part of an action.  To arise, to have a starting point.  To take the first step.  Starting implies to first actions, steps or stages taken.

          In  REV. 2:5a  "REMEMBER THEREFORE FROM WHENCE THOU ART FALLEN, AND REPENT, AND (DO THE FIRST WORKS)...........
A good formula given here:  1) Acknowledge where you are really at.  2) Repent.  3) Begin again.

               I think I will just take God at His Word.  Is. 41:13, He tells me, "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'do not fear, I will help you.' "

          In June 2013 Mandy Scarr wrote a wonderful post on "Kicking Fear To The Curb."  She said, " I'M NOT GOING TO CONTINUE TO ALLOW THE ENEMY OF THIS LIFE PARALYZE ME FROM STEPPING OUT, FROM MOVING FORWARD, FROM TRULY LIVING."       
          ME TOO MANDY!

             Hope I haven't rambled on too much here.  This is just an attempt to make straight paths for my feet, to acknowledge where I am really at.  I have a strong conviction about honesty and being for real.  I have a story to share. My heart goes out to young mothers of small children in overwhelming conditions.  I've been there, done that! I can testify that God will see us through anything!  He is no respector of persons.

                    In closing, would you pray with me?  Heavenly Father, would you touch and use (this vessel) to write to reach someone who may be discouraged or going through a difficult time.  May my words bring them hope in knowing that YOU are always with us, and you love us just like we are; fragile, sometimes literally broken, under much pressure with responsibilities. But YOU, OH GOD!  You are able to make us over again, for YOU are the Potter and we are the clay!  (Jer. 18:3-6)

GOT MY "WANT TO!"

         
          This year is the SIXTH TIME I have attempted to read/study/digest Lysa Terkeurst's book, MADE TO CRAVE since buying it in 2011.  I so relate with her words in the first chapter, "It's not the "how to" I am missing. It's the "want to....really wanting to make changes and deciding that the results of those changes are worth the sacrifice."
          
          I found that this was scriptural!   "Not in your own strength, for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you (energizing and creating in you the power and desire) both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight." (Phil. 2:13)

            Some weeks ago I started to notice a real "want to" to make so many right choices.  The same week this was noticeable to me I received an appointment to have an ultra sound taken of my arteries, which they had been wanting to check since 5 years ago, when they saw a narrowing occurring.  They immediately saw that placque had built up, but unable to see the extent without taking further testing.  Ever since then, we have had insurance obstacles.

             As soon as these negative results came I went through an escalation of emotions.  The worst was the fear I had to immediately fight.  When fear grips you, it is just like the Bible says, in 1John 4:18 "......fear hath torment!"  The greatest description  I have always experienced with fear is the feeling of paralyzation.  I am not worried about my condition of my heart. I have simply been worried about the care of my precious son whom I take care of.

                      ENOUGH   ABOUT   THAT!

                     What I want to share with you is how God has just been so loving & concerned about me!  My Hello Morning group has been studying on hope and for one entire week we had scriptures on fear, just what I needed!  It seemed like every other blog was dealing with the issue of fear.  All my church programs on tv were preaching or teaching on how to fear not!  My Hiding His Word Group has been memorizing Psalms 71 which has many comforting verses directly to my situation. And my Pastor Lawrence Montgomery speaks right into my life with a Rhema Word! 

                 RIGHT HERE is where I would interject a picture of my binder I made.  I am a visual person.  The cover says, MY BELIEF  SYSTEM.   The verse underneath this title is  "we having the same spirit of faith according as it is written, 'I believed and therefore have I spoken'  we also believe and therefore speak."  (2 Cor. 4:13)

                          I have dividers with sections for scriptures, confessions,  prayers, my identity in Christ, articles that edify. 

                           Earlier in the year I thought I knew where I was going, wanted to go in all the areas of my life.  But I have so learned that life just happens and we have to make a detour.  As far as my health, I am already making necessary changes, but because of this, more intensely!  And that is a good thing!  I am "WANTING TO" because of the great mercy God has had upon me and my foolishness!   My trust is in God! I just know "HE'S  GOT  THIS!"

I MESSED UP!

          In all actuality and honesty, I don't have a problem with saying, "I AM SORRY!"  It's just when I have to get up before a group of people to repent, and like this, before the whole blog world!  I am a little intimidated!

         I know your ears are perked up now!

            As Job said, "For the thing which I greatly feared (is come upon me) and that which I (was afraid of) is come unto me."  Job 3:25

               2012 was my first year on the internet.  I know, I'm a late bloomer!  I got so overwhelmed by all the blogs, the information  and suggestions given on resolutions and goals.  The year drizzled on down and my goals did too!  Thankfully I was doing the basics.

                So with that experience, I was determined to not let that happen again this year!  I so carefully looked at the ideas that came from all of the bloggers I read. (which are many!)  Even in my choice of yearly Bible readings, I was not going to get "caught up" in the popular. I wanted to go at a slower pace. My goal is to retain what I read, not in checking off a checklist. My ultimate goal is to know God better through His Word.  For I have been reading through the Bible for quite a while now.   Infact, today is my 38yr. spiritual birthday!

                  It wasn't many days and weeks that I realized that I had "gotten in over my head!"   Again!   I bit off more than I could chew!  I had joined too many groups; all good endeavors, good company, but too much!

             Why could I have not met Pastor Greg Simas from my mentor, Barbie@ My Freshly Brewed Life's Church; Convergence House Of Prayer.  Pastor Greg wrote a post on his blog, "My One Pursuit" on Dec. 31, 2012.  "How I Am Setting Goals This Year." 

              This post was speaking directly to me, although I didn't run-up-on-it until the last of February!  In his post, he is talking about making goals and taking small consistent steps to get there.  My "lightbulb moment" was when he said, "Asking the Lord what He wants you to do in 2013 and how He wants to co-labor with you to see it done is vital!"

                     I  (DID NOT) consult the Lord on this.  I really didn't!   How well I know, "For we are laborers together (with God!)!  1 Cor.3:9a

               I also know Jeremiah said,  "I know O Lord that the way of man is not (in himself), that it is not (in man) who walks to direct his step."

                For God promises in Ps. 32:8  "(I) will instruct you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

                 I first, did not consult God.  Second, I didn't sit down and count up the cost.  In Luke 14:28  "For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?"

                  That is how I have messed up!  I am so Godly sorry.  I have repented to God and He has forgiven me.  God is the very one who has opened the door for me to have a blog.  "Without Him, I can do nothing!" John 15:5.
                   
                  I want to live a life of honesty and integrity, not only at church, but behind closed doors and now on this (PRECIOUS) blog given to me!

                    God is showing me how to go about the list of goals (I  MADE) and we are weeding through it. I will be writing of my new agenda very soon.  I realize now, I was TRYING TOO HARD in my own strength, muscling my own way!